How Hard I Try
by Salviness
Summary: Severus watches his lover die at the hand of Voldemort, his thoughts of that night. Death fic.


I remember that night like a movie, forever burned into my memory.  
  
I will never forget, no matter how hard I try.  
  
Flashback, four years ago...  
  
The cold wind whipped around us as we formed a circle. The gaps filling in as more people arrived. I looked around at the other masked faces, wondering why we had been summoned in the middle of the day. Something big must have happened.  
  
We all stood in silence, as we had been trained to do. It was so oppressive, it was almost as if I could feel it pressing down on my shoulders. Just as I thought I couldn't take any more, he appeared, right in the center of the circle, with his most trusted right by his side. I didn't get to examine any further because wee all had to kneel at his feet.  
  
He let us stay prostrated for several minutes, until he told us to rise. I can still remember how. happy, he sounded.  
  
Voldemort never sounded happy.  
  
"My Dark Ones, today is the day that we have been waiting for! My trusted has brought me my most sought after gift. Yes, it is as you think." He smiled a sinister smile and gestured to Lucius.  
  
Lucius disappeared, moments later he returned, with what looked like a large cage which had a blanket thrown over it.  
  
Curious as to what Voldemort was up to now, I leaned closer.  
  
"Here, my Dark Ones is Harry Potter!"  
  
My heart stopped.  
  
He snapped his fingers and the blanket disappeared. An excited ripple went thru the circle that ended with me. I peered into the cage, watching my lover, look around with wide, frantic, terrified eyes. Voldemort let us stare for a brief time before he spoke again.  
  
"So far his unharmed."  
  
The circle laughed as he put emphasis on 'so far'. I cringed.  
  
"I would like to share this with all of you. My moment of triumph. Let's see their savior now."  
  
He turned toward the cage, toward my Harry, and waved his wand. The cage disappeared.  
  
"On your knees before Lord Voldemort, Potter!" Lucius sneered from his spot behind Voldemort.  
  
I watched as Harry scrambled to his knees. Voldemort laughed.  
  
"Are you afraid, Harry?" He taunted.  
  
Harry uttered no sound, he only bowed his head. Voldemort's smile turned into a sinister sneer.  
  
"Good. You should be, crucio!"  
  
I had to look away as my beloved thrashed around on the ground, screaming in agony. Voldemort held the spell for what seemed like hours. My ears rang with Harry's screaming after Voldemort ended the spell. I looked back to see Harry sag to the ground, his chest rising wildly.  
  
It went on like that for several hours, and I was powerless to help him. When Voldemort released the last in a series of spells I looked over my lover. He was laying face down in the mud, the snow around his stained in blood. I could see some running down his neck, staining his robes. His breathing was labored and I knew from experience that his throat would be raw, leaving him with little voice. I watched his limbs shake as he tried to get up to his knees; he didn't make it and fell face down in the mud again.  
  
"So Perfect Potter isn't as strong as everybody thinks, is he?" Voldemort sneered as he walked around my prostrated lover. "Get up Potter."  
  
Harry trembled and tried to get up, falling again with a breathless cry. Voldemort kicked him the side. "I said, get up!" Harry shook his head, 'no'.  
  
"Lucius! Severus! Get him up!" I immediately went to Harry. I grabbed him by the arm and tried to gently pull him up. I cast a sidelong glance at him; his once beautiful forest green robes were stained with blood, tears and mud.  
  
Voldemort turned and spoke to the rest of the circle and when I was sure that Lucius wasn't paying attention to me, I leaned close to Harry.  
  
"Sev." his raspy, dry voice broke my thoughts. "I'm not going to. please stay alive. love you."  
  
My heart broke as he bent his head so it rested on my shoulder. Tears pricked my eyes as I realized that this weird embrace was to be our last.  
  
"I'm sorry, my Harry. I love you, too."  
  
As the last word left my mouth, Voldemort turned back to us.  
  
"Are you ready to die Potter?" He cackled. "I'm ready for you to. Back away Severus."  
  
I tightened my grip on him briefly, before I backed way, leaving him standing there, wobbling back and forth.  
  
"It's been great, Potter. But all good things come to an end."  
  
I watched it seemed, in slow motion as Voldemort raised his wand and pointed it at my beloved's chest.  
  
"Avada Kadavra."  
  
I shut my eyes as Harry's body once again buried itself in the mud.  
  
Voldemort went on and on and finally apparated away with Lucius. Eventually I was the only one standing in that snowy field, the body of my lover only feet away.  
  
I carried him back to Hogwarts that night, tightly tucked against my chest.  
  
End flashback.  
  
A single tear escapes my eye, and I let it. I would not be human if I didn't.  
  
I won't ever forget that night, no matter how hard I try. 


End file.
